This is just such a beautiful picture.
This is just such a beautiful picture.
Home time is always something to look forward to.
I said no peekies!
Now she just looks so darn adorable!!
Well now that I have finished Uni, I have the time to. :) x
Tonight I was speaking with my ex and a question was asked;
“Why didn’t you instigate?”
For me, it doesn’t feel like a simple or straight forward question to answer. There are many different reasons and none of them I like or am proud of. If anything I feel ashamed that it’s not something I feel comfortable in doing. The best I can describe it as is a fear, a little like a phobia - though I know it’s not.
It’s terrifying to me, and in my mind there is a million possible negative results of my actions and only one positive. Am I doing this right? What if he doesn’t want to have sex? God I’m doing this all wrong. He’s going to reject me. Why don’t you keep over thinking this? Do I even look sexy? God who would find that attractive? Why can’t you be more confident? It isn’t normal not to instigate. Everyone else instigates, why can’t you be more like them? Who will ever want to be with you when you can’t do this? This is just humiliating….
I’m ashamed and angry with myself for feeling like it’s something i’m not capable of doing, when I know fully well that I can. Hell I want to!! Because I don’t doesn’t mean that I don’t want sex, I just don’t know how to communicate that desire and need. That in it’s self in embarrassing and makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.
How can I be a good submissive/ lover/ girlfriend when I don’t initiate? But I just don’t like doing it!! It’s not something I’m comfortable with. I’m getting angry at myself while even writing this, because it all just seems so stupid. Though when next confronted with a guy…. will I instigate? Well unless I have mass amounts of alcohol in my system probably not. It’s a little like i’m sent back to being the completely inexperience girl with the first boy (man) she ever slept with. I don’t know what I’m doing. This is all so embarrassing to admit, but I refuse to believe that i’m the only woman/ submissive out there who struggles with this.
What I have realised though, is that I refuse to be made to feel bad about something I’m not comfortable in doing. That’s not to say I wont ever learn to overcome it. Gosh I need to overcome it at some point, because inside me there is a depraved little screaming to get out. But it wont be over night. It won’t be something that happens suddenly. It’s actually a pretty big problem and who liked to admit that they have a problem? I certainly don’t. It had me in tears earlier when thinking about it, because I felt broken and not good enough.
I still don’t think i’ve fully expressed how hard/ big of a problem/ frightening it is for me, but writing these things sometimes makes my thoughts a lot clearer.
I like watching myself too. My computers webcam has it’s uses apart from taking daft photos.
I need attention…. This kind would be very welcome right now.
I need this right now!
Someone bring me a dozen puppies!!
I’m missing my ‘normal’ Saturdays. Though they aren’t really ‘normal’ anymore.
All I want to do is snuggle, eat crappy food and watch TV. I’m missing him today… I don’t do well with missing people. I only end up getting angry with myself for needing someone.
I don’t like how my life has seemed to snap straight back into how it was nine months ago. I wasn’t happy then, I had no escape and nothing to look forward to. That’s how I’m feeling today.
And to top everything off, my uni work just feels like it’s too much for me to handle.
Nothing is going right. It feels like everyone is out to make things harder, I’m just going to sit here and cry.
I just need to be cuddled and told that everything is going to be ok. I just need a little help right now.
But life is a mother fucking bitch, why would she start being any different now.
Oh god that stare = puddle.
You have to beg for it.