My Submissive Exploration

Discovering My Deepest Desirers.

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redssecond asked: You should post more.

Well now that I have finished Uni, I have the time to. :) x

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Why Don’t I Instigate

Tonight I was speaking with my ex and a question was asked;

“Why didn’t you instigate?”

For me, it doesn’t feel like a simple or straight forward question to answer. There are many different reasons and none of them I like or am proud of. If anything I feel ashamed that it’s not something I feel comfortable in doing. The best I can describe it as is a fear, a little like a phobia - though I know it’s not. 

It’s terrifying to me, and in my mind there is a million possible negative results of my actions and only one positive. Am I doing this right? What if he doesn’t want to have sex? God I’m doing this all wrong. He’s going to reject me. Why don’t you keep over thinking this? Do I even look sexy? God who would find that attractive? Why can’t you be more confident? It isn’t normal not to instigate. Everyone else instigates, why can’t you be more like them? Who will ever want to be with you when you can’t do this? This is just humiliating…. 

I’m ashamed and angry with myself for feeling like it’s something i’m not capable of doing, when I know fully well that I can. Hell I want to!! Because I don’t doesn’t mean that I don’t want sex, I just don’t know how to communicate that desire and need. That in it’s self in embarrassing and makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. 

How can I be a good submissive/ lover/ girlfriend when I don’t initiate? But I just don’t like doing it!! It’s not something I’m comfortable with. I’m getting angry at myself while even writing this, because it all just seems so stupid. Though when next confronted with a guy…. will I instigate? Well unless I have mass amounts of alcohol in my system probably not. It’s a little like i’m sent back to being the completely inexperience girl with the first boy (man) she ever slept with. I don’t know what I’m doing. This is all so embarrassing to admit, but I refuse to believe that i’m the only woman/ submissive out there who struggles with this. 

What I have realised though, is that I refuse to be made to feel bad about something I’m not comfortable in doing. That’s not to say I wont ever learn to overcome it. Gosh I need to overcome it at some point, because inside me there is a depraved little screaming to get out. But it wont be over night. It won’t be something that happens suddenly. It’s actually a pretty big problem and who liked to admit that they have a problem? I certainly don’t. It had me in tears earlier when thinking about it, because I felt broken and not good enough. 

I still don’t think i’ve fully expressed how hard/ big of a problem/ frightening it is for me, but writing these things sometimes makes my thoughts a lot clearer. 

Filed under fears why don't you instigate? personal

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I WANNA PLAY!!!!

1) Sexuality?
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
4) What do you think about most?
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
7) What's your strangest talent?
8) Girls.... (finish the sentence); Boys.... (finish the sentence)
9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
11) Do you have any strange phobias?
12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
13) What's your religion?
14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
17) What was the last lie you told?
18) Do you believe in karma?
19) What does your URL mean?
20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
21) Who is your celebrity crush?
22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
23) How do you vent your anger?
24) Do you have a collection of anything?
25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
26) Are you happy with the person you've become?
27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?
28) What's your biggest "what if"?
29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
31) Smell the air. What do you smell?
32) What's the worst place you have ever been to?
33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?
34) Most attractive singer of your preferred gender(s)?
35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
36) Define Art.
37) Do you believe in luck?
38) What's the weather like right now?
39) What time is it?
40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
41) What was the last book you read?
42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
43) Do you have any nicknames?
44) What was the last movie you saw?
45) What's the worst injury you've ever had?
46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
48) What's your sexual orientation?
49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
50) Do you believe in magic?
51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
52) What is your astrological sign?
53) Do you save money or spend it?
54) What's the last thing you purchased?
55) Love or lust?
56) In a relationship?
57) How many relationships have you had?
58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
59) Where were you yesterday?
60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
61) Are you wearing socks right now?
62) What's your favorite animal?
63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
64) Where is your best friend?
65) Spit or swallow?(;
66) What is your heritage?
67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
68) What do you think is Satan's last name?
69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.
74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
77) How can I win your heart?
78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
80) What size shoes do you wear?
81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
82) What is your favorite word?
83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.
84) What is a saying you say a lot?
85) What's the last song you listened to?
86) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors?
87) What is your current desktop picture?
88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
89) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?
90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
96) Do you have any relatives in jail?
97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?
98) Ever been on a plane?
99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

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Today Is Not A Good Day.

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I’m missing my ‘normal’ Saturdays. Though they aren’t really ‘normal’ anymore. 

All I want to do is snuggle, eat crappy food and watch TV. I’m missing him today… I don’t do well with missing people. I only end up getting angry with myself for needing someone. 

I don’t like how my life has seemed to snap straight back into how it was nine months ago. I wasn’t happy then, I had no escape and nothing to look forward to. That’s how I’m feeling today.

And to top everything off, my uni work just feels like it’s too much for me to handle. 

Nothing is going right. It feels like everyone is out to make things harder, I’m just going to sit here and cry. 

I just need to be cuddled and told that everything is going to be ok. I just need a little help right now.

But life is a mother fucking bitch, why would she start being any different now. 

Filed under personal emotional upset I need a hug I need some help I miss him cry cuddle